Postmodern Toolbox- May 31, 2008 -- Entry 5

Let the gouging continue.

The reason for the delay between my last entry and this one is that Anna gave us an extension for all final assignments. It also gave me some time to process what I’ve just been through… Not just in the course materials, but after our final class. After a class like that, I needed over a week to see where the dust settled.

The last class was an interesting application of all we had learned—applying the notions of ritual and “emitting frequencies,” and allowing time for prayer, cleansing, accepting mantles of calling and yet enjoying ourselves too. I found the idea of “seeing rituals as narratives” was something I had never heard before.

In her lecture prior to the tea ceremony, I found myself in disagreement with one thing she said, “There are no two chances to get it right; it’s not an option. Things can be restored and redeemed, but it’ll be different.” Maybe we’re both saying the same thing, but I think if you get it wrong the first time, and yet are able to achieve one’s calling, yes, it’ll be different, but I think it’ll be no less impacting and that the Lord knew beforehand that you’d run. Look at Jonah. I think his running away and getting it wrong is an important part of his story and he was able to accomplish what the Lord tasked him to do. I don’t know… just my two cents.

She talked about ambient revelation and the Melchizedek covenant embedded in culture and how the Sodom factor is also in culture and there is a struggle between the two. I think this is at the crux of how to deal with a postmodern world. To expose the cultural types that are within it (like the peace-child) and shine the light on the folly of the Sodom factor. To discount everything in the world is to miss an opportunity to use the symbols God put in there and instruct people with the Truth.

Watching clips of Deepa Mehta’s “Water,” was troubling, as you can readily see the bondage women were (are?) in, unable to get out of it because it was sanctioned by their belief system. I was surprised to hear Anna say that one good thing the English did was change some of the practices of their land which truly were harmful (using children as temple prostitutes, etc). In light of all they did wrong, that’s quite a statement. She spoke of the circularity of eastern culture models and how there is no escape, yet with the Tabernacle model, there is another way out from the way you came in. There is growth and change.

I know she didn’t want us to just simply recount what we went through in these blogs, but it’s important for me to remember what went on. :>

I believe that Anna’s ties with India provided not only a unique view of the themes she discussed (such as the design of the tabernacle and the spiritual connection of yoga—which cannot be separated from it, even if you’re using it for ONLY physical exercise), but that she probably had a better sense of how some of these realms operate than most westerners do. In any event, I found it a privilege to take this class and as the days (and weeks) have passed, I’ve continue to feel an inner shift—and almost the feeling that I have less reason to stay in my current job than I did before… As if the Lord was holding me there until I recived certain information and now that I’ve been through the course, He’ll be moving me on possibly sooner than I thought. It still may be a year or two before this occurs, but it’s worth mentioning now.

Of course, I’ve got one more course I’m signed up for this summer (and one more from another school on “Writing with Sound”), but I’m not so sure about how the future will be playing out. We’ll see.

At the end of the class she went over (again) the sorts of final projects she is looking for and truthfully, I wanted to write 2 of them instead of just one. I’m glad to say that ideas have started to spring to mind already, but I remain conflicted with the current PhD program I’m in. Again, what that means for the future, is anyone’s guess at this point.

As for the final assignments, we were given three options—a treatment idea, a business vision statement or a synthesis on postmodern ideas and a statement of our own personal understanding and aesthetic. Again, I found myself torn even in addressing the assignment: When deciding on a treatment of a postmodern piece of work which would either show an understanding of Postmodern ideas, or direct its focus toward a postmodern audience, I started thinking of a vision statement for a possible company I could see myself (for the first time in my life) creating and running. When deciding on a vision statement, I started thinking of a treatment for a postmodern piece of work.

So, I’ve decided to do both types of papers, as I can see a spiritual benefit of doing both. To be honest, the idea of a company has really thrown me for a loop. When I told my husband about it, he jumped on the idea and (as I write this) is now researching the logistical considerations needed to make it a reality (granted, he’s got a business of his own, so entrepreneurial pursuits are not unknown to him).

Knowing I needed more people to see it come to pass, I mentioned the idea to two trusted friends whom I could see in certain capacities within my potential organization. When I mentioned it to them over dinner yesterday evening, I was surprised to see them both highly engaged in discussing the possibilities and one of them even said “I’m intrigued!” When asked if he could see himself in an organization like this, he enthusiastically replied, “Consider this a ‘Yes!’… in principle.” Granted, he’s a man who needs to have all the facts to make an informed decision, and rightly so.

And as for the treatment idea, the idea that came to me was one I thought was too good to not put down in writing somewhere. If Anna doesn’t wish to read both papers, that’s fine. She can just choose one. But I really felt spiritually, I needed to do them both.

So, things have already started to shift, I think. Again, we’ll see what comes of it.

Postmodern Toolbox- May 15, 2008 -- Entry 4

Gouge, gouge, gouge. This class isn’t anything like I thought it would be when I signed up for it! I thought it would help me deal with the relativism at ODU, but it’s obviously also conducting major surgery on the inside. I feel a lot is being dealt with, but it’s hard to know exactly what is happening. Something is stirred up, but I have no idea what this is leading to.

Anna spoke of going in for a job and then getting a much higher one which wasn’t creative, but that the Lord obviously wanted her to take. Once she did He showed her that her career would not be all about what she wanted to do, but what He wants her to do—and that she needs to learn how to take instructions. In the process, she was able to get to the next level.

She also talked about how the Lord shut the door on that project—not the board members. It was the Lord’s decision that the project not go through because Anna wasn’t ready- it would have done harm—maybe to her, maybe to others.. regardless of the particulars of why, the Lord said she wasn’t ready. That story made me think of that Pink Floyd project I turned down way back when. It was totally what I wanted to do—animate to music—and then the thing that surfaces was music I spiritually couldn’t handle at the time. There’s so much to that story but the bottom line is that I knew I could NOT take the job in faith. Whatever is not done in faith is sin.

I know I did the right thing, but what are the desires of my heart for unless they are a barometer which registers what the Lord would like me to do with my life? I give Him the right to change my desires—and sometimes He does. But music always comes back to me… England always comes back to me… Psychedelic music as well.

When Anna talked about Truth in music and doing music that comes from within, it’s obvious that much secular music is more truthful than much Christian music. Sure, the Lord can use it, but I don’t resonate with it.

What I hear in a lot of British psychedelic music is not rebellion and drugs, but rather a search for transcendence. A lot of the California stuff though has drugs, rebellion and odd spiritual connections that make me feel all garbled.

When Anna talked about working as a VP of Design and yet she wasn’t really doing the creative work, it made me think about my situation straddling the creative and the academic. For the past few years, I’ve been able to rise out of the spiritual problems I had with writing in the past and I’d like to continue. But my job would like me to get a PhD… and so I chose English, so I could study British concept albums (albums with longer-form narratives) as the texts to analyze. And now I find that ODU will be offering a PhD in Digital Media program which has a track specifically called “Culture, Sound and Narrative.” That sounds so perfect for studying concept albums, but I’m concerned about the academic papers I’ll have to write. I’d rather just boil down what I find in a script… But maybe the degree will get me special access.

Oh well—enough about that. I’m just going to proceed one course at a time.

As for “300,” it was a bit difficult to get over the overblown stylings. This was grand opera without the singing! I’m not a girly girl, but this film was so filled with testosterone that it was almost comical to me (what I saw of it anyway). But, of course that isn’t why we were watching it. There are biblical lessons to be learned from the scenes we saw. If we’re not fit for battle and we’re not built for it, then that must mean that the Lord has other things for us to do.

To be honest, I have a distaste for the idea of spiritual warfare and having to engage in fights. Granted, it has nothing to do with what I want to do, but how God has designed things to work. I’ve got to get with the program because there is no neutral position. I’m on God’s side or NOT. So instead of getting my butt kicked, I’ve got to get closer to the Lord. Holiness is required of a warrior-priest. There is no other choice.

“The Balloon” reading was OK… What I got out of it was that the balloon was a metaphor for a type of thinking or art or ideology (I’m sure it could mean whatever you want it to mean). The audience walks away with their own meanings from under its presence. What I found particularly interesting was that no one was really REALLY questioning the balloon’s presence in a way that I thought a more honest appropriate response; no one was trying to impact it, move it or even pop it. They initially found it a novelty, but just sort of looked at it, walked on it, touched it, and ultimately accepted it as usual. Yet it was obscuring their view of the sky in that part of town. Why did they do nothing about it? Especially since some “reported feeling, constrained, a ‘heavy feeling.’”

I thought it was funny where it said “The apparent purposelessness of the balloon was vexing (as was the fat that it was “there at all). Had we painted, in great letters, “LABORATORY TESTS PROVE, or ‘18% MORE EFFECTIVE” on the sides of the balloon, this difficult would have been circumvented--” As if an easy way to create a perceived meaning for the balloon would be to simply imply that the balloon had a commercial purpose.

Postmodern Toolbox- May 14, 2008 -- Entry 3

OK, so now things are getting deeper.

I really feel the Lord is using this class to do something (that He’s not telling me any specifics about).

We watched “Adaptation" by Charlie Kaufman. We didn’t get to see every bit of it, but what I saw I liked a lot. I thought the casting and direction were excellent. Nicolas Cage did a really great job I thought. Granted, we watched the film not for its casting and directing but for its expression of postmodern ideas—emphases on anti-narrative, signifier, irony, parataxis, classical Hollywood structures (represented by McKee) vs. the postmodern lack of closure…. Perpetual Change.

“Perpetual Change” is one of my favorite songs by Yes, and I think I’ll be hearing it in a new light from now on.

I found myself enjoying the ride, even though it wasn’t going to promise me it would be neatly tied in a bow at the end.

I was also interested in the concept of adaptation, as that’s the next course I’ll be taking at Regent in a couple weeks.

Anna went through a further discussion of deconstructionism and meta-fiction, since Derrida kind of left people scratching their heads (again, I don’t think that even if someone has a brilliant idea, they can’t be that great if they can’t explain it in such a way they can be understood!). Anna equated deconstructionism with that life-force, cellular memory which will express itself and survive regardless of the decisions of people or environmental factors.

It sounds eternal and placed in us by God, so I’m sure I won’t be hearing that interpretation of that concept when I go back to ODU in the fall. Heck, I’m interested to see what our frequency exercises are going to yield in my ODU class “Writing for Sound” that I’ll be taking toward the end of the summer!

It really feels like the Lord has definitely guided my steps, but with all these profound works that are taking place deep within me (added to the deep healing I received last summer through that songwriting course), I am definitely feeling strange because I know to whom much is given, much is expected. Well I’ve been given SO much—will I rise to the challenge of the much that must be expected of me?

The classes I’ve taken within the past couple years certainly have taken me on a more intellectual journey than my earlier degree programs. Granted, much of the ideology of the world has shifted since I was in my master’s program (and definitely since my bachelor’s too).

I liked Anna’s little joke/not joke statement about “---And then the end came.” That will probably make it into the lexicon in our household because that’s something Harold and I would probably grasp onto. I’ve never chased after a PhD—it’s just sort of presented itself to me in recent years, so… as our 4th attempt of adoption fell through and the Lord has made it clear He’s got other things for us to do, I’m walking through this door that seemingly is leading to a PhD right now. Yet, I feel that doctoral level education is nothing to worship! I would hate it if I walked up the aisle to receive my doctorate, “and then the end came.” I know it means nothing…. And yet is the Lord giving this opportunity to me to give me access to places I wouldn’t have without it? Or is it a decoy to keep me from scriptwriting, which is where my heart is? Neither option really promises to catch me in the next phase of my career. I have no idea what He’s doing—all I know is it’s good.

Reading about Existentialism sounded so bleak and unsatisfying. As I said in class, it seems like a world view based on disappointment—as though someone had a belief that didn’t play itself out the way they expected, so they were disappointed and therefore concluded that belief is empty—and God doesn’t exist. All that exists is this moment and what’s around me right now… and I have no impact or control over it, nor can I really know anything. How depressing—and yet I can hear it in the voice of intellectuals on BBC 4. They daren’t excite themselves over anything, because there is no meaning to anything anyway. The best they can say is “Oh, that’s…… interesting.”

“Adaptation” echoed that sentiment as Nicolas Cage’s character said his script was all about disappointment.

I was sorry to hear that Kimberly’s dad had been taken ill. I hope they find out what’s been messing around with his personality the months since his surgery… and I pray that it’s nothing serious! But even if it is—especially if it is-- I hope they find it fast!

Anna said that deconstruction is a “truth-seeking principle.” I kind of perked up with that idea because of all the concepts on the planet that I like most, my buzz word is “Truth.” Yeah, it can hurt.. .Yeah, it can be ugly… but if it’s the Truth, then at least you’ve got a true starting point for change and improvement. Whatever you deny or sweep under the carpet cannot be dealt with and therefore continue to hurt or stagnate you. Truth is the best, so I’m all for something that’s trying to get truth to reveal itself!

She says it’s a “revelation voice” not a “solution voice.” That’s like most of the music I listen to, and where Harold and I differ in our taste of music. I like music that questions what’s going on and it doesn’t bother me if solutions aren’t proposed. Harold likes country music which doesn’t pose questions; it just celebrates what’s there—big things and little things and doesn’t really rock the boat. I hate country with a passion!

Anna wasn’t kidding when she said when you get married, that’s when you can really get culture shock. When Harold uttered those unbelievable words to me, “Oh, did the Beatles do that?” I thought I had landed on another planet entirely! In nearly 18 years of marriage, he’s had to learn a lot. And I know more about comics today than I ever had an interest to. Oh well—the give and take of married life. But I think I’ll always hate country music.

Speaking of passion—I like people who are passionate about what they’re passions are (just like in the Adaptation movie). I can relate a lot to that idea.

God sure isn’t showing too much of his hand with me at this stage of my life. I’m only seeing one card and he’s holding six. I can’t see around the corner—I only have what’s in front of me. I can’t even plan because I don’t know what it is I want anymore. I do know that I don’t want to get life “wrong,” and I know that I’m on the right track. I think it must show some kind of progress that He’s showing He’s still around from time to time, but basically kind of leaving me on my own to make my decisions, confident that I’ll make the right ones. All He’s told me is “when you’re off track, I’ll let you know.”

I’m definitely not off track in this class!

Postmodern Toolbox- May 13, 2008 -- Entry 2

Another profound class.

Anna went over verses from Zecheriah—declaring a double-bonus and "from now on, people are my swords”… and discussing warfare over Greece (where we get a lot of western thought). And Ezekial 2 and 3. She discussed the differences of signs, symbols and icons and showed a clip of a Mondrian documentary, claiming that his work was very prophetic in light of the digital age to come after him.

Seeing the opening moments of “Trainspotting,” although hard to take on one level, was indeed very evocative of how addicts process life once they’ve chosen drugs over their own life. To hear the story about how a former class responded to these moments indicates how polarizing raw “truth” can be and how opposite responses can both reflect the Father’s heart.

Anna reminded us that some of us will be called to go into those desperate, ugly places. We may be the only ones who will touch certain hurting people in that deep, soul place, shedding light and offering the hope of deliverance from the darkness.

I’m not surprised that Anna’s former class responded the way they did—how one father’s heart wanted to shield his daughter from the ugliness he sees every day on the job. And how another father’s heart was to go after his daughter, no matter where it took him – and shine the light in the darkness with the hope of getting her out of it and warning others of its danger.

It’s one thing for Anna to have to endure both responses in one class; it’s another for her to have the discernment to understand what the Lord was showing her within this seemingly ironic situation. The Lord uses so many things to speak to us—we just need to listen, and as she said on Day 1, we shouldn’t compartmentalize our lives because He can use literally anything to teach us. If we don’t realize that, we can miss some of what He says to us.

In Psalm 91, “deep calls unto deep.” It’s the soul-place of you. We’re wired for “deep.” That’s cool. It also explains why a lot of people heavily medicate themselves when they don’t get “deep” from what’s around them.

Anna’s view of Derrida was interesting—equating his deconstructionist views as having perhaps stemmed from a deep DNA connection to the tribe of Israel and its ability to continue to “spit itself out” of oppressive constructs. The Lord has placed the ability to decipher constructs within those who are grafted in as well, so the “tribe” survives.

I don’t really have issues with what Derrida’s views are, but because I feel he doesn’t explain his views well, I still want to slap him! I don’t have time to re-read everything he says 3 times when if he had just been clearer and more linear in the first place, I could have understood it relatively quickly. I have no respect for someone who can’t be clear—even if that’s sort of the point of their ideology.

It also makes me wonder about why it doesn’t bother him to come up with a view, then state it so vaguely that it’s very possible people could miss the intentionality or the significance. It goes against everything I learned in Catholic school about how to structure your writing—you want to be read to be understood. I guess unless you’re a deconstructionist.

So then why should I care about what they say, if they’re not concerned that I understand? I know Anna says the Lord is setting something up with all this, but from my viewpoint, I can’t wait for this phase to be over. Yes, I think it’s a phase because I don’t believe deconstructionism or postmodernism is sustainable.

But that would be just like a modernist to say that. Give me my absolutes back!

I found Anna’s definition of “tribe” surprising, as I’ve never thought of it as a disparaging term which was given to a “primitive group” from an imperialistic group. I thought people groups always saw “Us” versus “them” and that if you know which side you belong to, it can be a mixed blessing. Before my Arvon experience-- well, it's a long story—but in essence, last year, I finally experienced a deeply bonding with 15 other songwriting students, after years wishing to belong to a tribe of sorts. This desire grew out of what was modeled to me in my immediate family—that blood is NOT thicker than water, but that you can have profound familial-type relationships with people on other levels. I feel I have very little in common with my blood relatives and so I’ve looked to more social ways to connect with people—through a common belief, a common appreciation of a particular art form or piece of art, or a bonding experience. My desire has also unfortunately come from a distrust of the Christian community and the dangers of getting too close to them in this life(remember the shepherding movement?). Once we get to heaven, everything will be worked out, but for now—well, I tend to keep my distance.

My very recent interest in genealogy has grown out of watching the BBC series “Who Do You Think You Are” which my husband bought for me last month. The stories of various celebrities and their search for records of their ancestors has intrigued me. Some of the celebrities on the show have thought that their family was one thing, but it turned out to be another—one lady thought she was working class English through and through, and then found out she was actually from middle to upper class families. Another thought they were English, but only went back 2 generations on both sides of the family to find that their grandparents were actually from Germany, but they hadn’t wanted to admit it in the climate of anti-German sentiment during WWI. Gurinder Chadha was able to find records that dated her family back to a particular region of India 4000 years ago! She’s British, but being able to know where her people came from (and where they lived for so long), seems to me at this point in my life to be a neat idea.

I’ve been looking at genealogy, not as a way to get closer to my family but more as a means to explain my anglophilia—to explain why I feel more at home over there, and what it may mean for my future. My husband says I visibly AM different over there, so I wonder about why that may be, and what the Lord would do about it—especially at age 46. And am I completely wrong about where I feel my roots are? What does it mean for me as a Christian and who I am to reach while I’m on this planet?

Yet, I believe-- to the English, despite my anglo-roots and DNA which could trace me to that land, the fact that my ancestors chose to leave negates my right to call myself truly English. I’m afraid I’ll always be regarded as an American to them…. So what do I do with that? Can that be a blessing in disguise?

When I was a child and the concept of countries and nations was explained to me, as soon as I was told the story of how America relates to England, I have never felt that we should be here. In spite of all the “good” things America stands for, what we did to indigenous peoples of this nation I find troubling. I feel that Canada had a better response to the whole King George thing. Canada wasn’t quite as rebellious as the United States and has a closer relationship to the motherland as a result.

Anna says we have “a Boaz anointing.” I have no reason to doubt that, but I’m unfamiliar with the term as it relates to the USA and it makes me wonder what Canada’s and England’s biblical roles are and how people know that. England was ahead of us in abolishing slavery. Those who came to America seeking religious freedom were coming from the UK as well as other places, so England played a tremendous direct role in the spread of Christianity, but along with her imperialistic past, she unfortunately remains sheepishly embarrassed by it all today. And I guess I can understand why.

A lot of bad happened with the good.

So, there is a lot for me still to reckon with, when I think to accomplish these “good” tasks, we disregarded and crushed the cultures of those who were already here.

I liked how Anna said you need to keep your ear to the ground—don’t separate yourself from what’s around you. You will be very limited in what you can do if you stay in an ivory tower.

I told my friend Roy Petersen (who now lives in England) I’m taking this class. He told me to say “Hey,” to Anna since he went to Regent about the time Anna did. So, Anna—Roy says “Hey!” :>

He also says you need to write a book about all that you’re telling us in class!

I agree.

Postmodern Toolbox- May 12, 2008-- Entry 1

It’s already an interesting class with profound repercussions. In the spirit of postmodernism, I’ll write my views with no particular structure in no particular order.

Having suffered through what I viewed as intentional obfuscation by Jacques Derrida in a class last fall at ODU, I feel more confident that this course will better explain how to approach the foggy and meandering writings of the postmodern deconstructionists.

I’m very glad I signed up for this course, as I originally believed this course would be a good one to take in preparation of my Major Debates in English Studies course in the fall, but after today’s lecture I have a greater sense that it wasn’t my idea that I take it. I believe the Lord is painting a picture around me in preparation of whatever that next level is going to be. When Prof. Richardson discussed the concepts of the beach-head and the whole idea of heading into ideological warfare as a Christian in this fallen world, at times I fought back tears that echoed a profound agreement with her words.

When she spoke of the New York Philharmonic’s performance in North Korea as being particularly significant because of their origins in the United States of America, it was almost chilling, as I had never thought of the Star Spangled Banner, The New World Symphony and the Korean folksong that they played that night as carrying that Boaz anointing Ms. Richardson spoke of.

I definitely feel the Lord has something going on with me, as it’s been only since last winter that I’ve even considered looking more fully into my genealogy—In fact, my father only today emailed me to tell me he’s sent me a chart of our family tree which he’s had since I was 8 and I was never interested in. “The destinies of nations…” I had never heard of that concept before.

I’ve spent so much of my life focused on England and longing for where my ancestors have come from that I had never thought of being from America as carrying any spiritual significance-- spiritual opportunities, yes.. spiritual destiny, no. The teacher’s ability to connect things that may seem at first glance unrelated definitely opened my eyes.

The whole tactic of how asking the right questions leads to better answers was brilliant. The example of choosing between filming a wall for 20 years or creating a project which would save lives within 6 months was intriguing, but when she brought up the biblical example of the woman pouring perfume on Jesus’ feet, I thought that brought it home for me. It’s not just an issue of “Is it wasteful or not?" Or "Is it functional or not?" It’s good to step back further and look at the action from a higher perspective. It will definitely be a tool to use when I go into the Debates in the fall; I'll need to ask where the thinking behind the questions came from.

I was also taken by the idea of what happens when artists create works when rejecting the rational (such as Dali and Bunuel claim to have done with ‘Un Chien Andalou’). If you take the brain out of the mix, what is left to communicate is done so by the spirit. If the spirit is driven by darkness, so will the created work.

I liked how connections were made between different artistic movements and how impressionism was a reaction to the formalist and structural Renaissance, and how that was in turn a reaction to the Greek classical period.

The artist as a member of the prophetic underground I thought was especially exciting, as I’ve heard the term prophetic art before, but didn’t really understand it until today. How Munch’s “The Scream” could be viewed as a precursor to what took place in the Holocaust is amazing. How listening to what’s going on inside of you could actually be something God is trying to say to the world. Wow.

It did remind me of that musical I saw in the West End back in the 80's called "Time," written by Dave Clarke (a Christian) and starring Cliff Richard (also a Christian). In it the earth is standing on trial before the judges of the universe to state their case as to why we should be allowed to live or die. The original four leaders of the world who were asked to state the case for the earth were political, scientific, philosophical and religious representatives, but the people who showed up for the trial were musicians. When asked how this happened, one of the universal lawyers stated that the best way to understand the human race is to see what they value, and what they value is in their music.

I like surrealism and I also like modern art. However, the documentary on Warhol really spelled out for me what his work was all about in the clearest way I’ve ever heard. The ideas about immediacy really cleared up what his movies were about. “All I can think is, ‘time is… time was.’” That’s actually pretty cool!

I thought his use of wearing sunglasses echoed the postmodern idea that the author can’t be known—all that is is the art. Sunglasses inhibit direct connection with the artist, even if you’re standing right in front of him/her.

I felt a greater sense of responsibility and expectation after this class. “To whom much is given, much is expected…” I’ve been praying lately about where I’m going. Academia? Scriptwriting? I’m still unsure about the answer, but I am sure the Lord is guiding. This class is case in point.

Back From the Songwriting

Thanks for all your prayers! God heard and was gracious.

Truth be known-- I sucked... but I was chosen to be here and I know of things to fix.

Overall, this was the greatest week of my entire life. Sorry but it really does far surpass everything else ...ever--- Salvation's a bigger deal, but I didn't have to go through as much when it happened, nor did it take almost a week to do.

Anyway, last night we had to perform a movie-turned-musical. The film was a violent and flawed British gangster film that Ray said needed improving. He has the gangster repent in the end. :>

Ray gave me 3 narrative plot segments to do on it (originally 4, but one guy came up light on stuff to do) and a song for one of the characters. Other people had about 2 bits to do.

Lyrically, I was able to do what I was given, but my voice sucked, my guitar was out of tune, my hand couldn't sustain bar chords anymore... And yet you just carry on and everyone supports each other. It was recorded, and I sucked. Everyone had imperfections (the nature of working fast), but hey.

We consider each other "Army Buddies," and are family forever now. I'm sure as a result of prayer, we bonded very well. Ray couldn't take me to London, but offered to take me to Okehampton (which is 11 miles up the road), but I needed to go further so I told him I'd be OK.

Yeah, I turned him down... There's a lot of things I did this week that just blow the mind. BLOW the MIND!

Yesterday at dinner, Ray goes, "Hey D., guess what song's been stuck in my head?" And he sung a bit of my "Four-footed Protector" song. I laughed and said, "It's a hit!" Then today, before I left, Ray was packing up, and as he passed me as I sat on a bench near his car, he looked at me and started singing the tune yet again. I said, "You're welcome!"

The total highlight of everything: I'm still reeling in the song L.E. did for me. That was the total broadsided miraculous gift of God for me. I knew that was God (and Ray's not being able to forget that stupid song of mine).

From one dinner conversation, L.E. pegged me in song-- in a really GOOD song that was melancholy and hopeful at the same time. That's what I would want... Not any fluffy thing, but it's gentle-hearted too.

I told him that it's now a part of my life for the rest of my life. He doesn't think it's finished, so I guess there's more to come? God, what are you doing to me?! When I listen to it, I feel a huge knife digging in my soul gouging out muck... and this morning I threw up. I didn't even feel sick.

And it still just blows my mind that Ray picked the very best writer on the course to write a song for me-- and that the guy was exactly the sort of person it would have to be to really hit me the way it did. (Did that make any sense?) By that I guess I mean that I think the guy is a total natural talent-- a dead ringer for a character I'm developing in a project called Spokes... down to his spoken voice, presence, type of talent, mannerisms and attitude of style. He's a great guitar player, got a perfect spoken and singing voice, awkward shyness that always works in that kind of package and is easy on the eyes (usually hard to get my attention that way- But don't worry-- Nothing is inappropriate, I'm just saying...)

Bull's eye... and God used HIM to start a deep healing... DEEEEEEEP healing... It's working and it's hard to take. I haven't cried it through yet, but a little.

I told him that that song would probably be played at my funeral (not to be macabre), and he laughed and said "That's perhaps the weirdest and most wonderful complement I could ever receive."

I sucked, and it doesn't matter, because something's going on.

Ray supports the PhD venture... Will be there for me if I need it.

My life is goofy and can be very great, after gaps of complete confusion. Still confused. Mildly disappointed that I couldn't have offered more, but understand why I couldn't. With a tribe, it'll be easier to fix, I think.

Bonded with a number of people in particular... A vicar named Andrew, a crusty kid named Chris, a totally unique and hilarious kid named Nick, L.E.... Who else? Golly we all did, but those I feel I got to know more than others.

Early in the week, some including L.E. and a few others had talked of a sense of not belonging anywhere... and at the end of it, I think I can say, I think I found my tribe. Others sense it and agree. We stayed up most of the night because we didn't want it to end. I got one hour of sleep. :>

That's all for now. Thanks again for all your support! What's next is anyone's guess.

Preparation for return trip

We woke up again late today. Showered and hopped on a train from Kings Cross to Cambridge. Our stop was Cheffins Auctioneers to pick up a catalog for the upcoming auction on Wednesday of the estate of Roger (Syd) Barrett and to view the items beforehand.

It felt a bit like walking through someone's house when they're not there. He obviously liked having color around him, as he would purchase items and then hand-paint them a different color. A lamp that was now blue, a chest of drawers he painted purple, another light blue, another yellow, two bicycles one painted light blue, the other red.

There were notebooks, items of his artwork, handmade curtains with a store-bought children's pattern of zoo animals, and quite a few art supplies.

I'm not sure what it reveals about the man, but he certainly was one of a kind.

Harold struck up a conversation with one of the auction house ladies who's married to a man from the same town as where Harold's parents live. Shall we break into a spontaneous round of "It's A Small World Afterall?!"

No, I didn't think so.

On a more interesting note, I received an email today from "the other family" that one of the girls wants the option to stay with this Christmas. They "would be delighted" to host the girl. So that solves that. As for the future of the second girl, we've decided to talk to an expert to figure out what might be possible for her. I can't go beyond that, but that's where we are.

Harold and I continue to talk about what we've just been through, but have come to no conclusions yet.

Whew! What a trip.