Postmodern Toolbox- May 14, 2008 -- Entry 3

OK, so now things are getting deeper.

I really feel the Lord is using this class to do something (that He’s not telling me any specifics about).

We watched “Adaptation" by Charlie Kaufman. We didn’t get to see every bit of it, but what I saw I liked a lot. I thought the casting and direction were excellent. Nicolas Cage did a really great job I thought. Granted, we watched the film not for its casting and directing but for its expression of postmodern ideas—emphases on anti-narrative, signifier, irony, parataxis, classical Hollywood structures (represented by McKee) vs. the postmodern lack of closure…. Perpetual Change.

“Perpetual Change” is one of my favorite songs by Yes, and I think I’ll be hearing it in a new light from now on.

I found myself enjoying the ride, even though it wasn’t going to promise me it would be neatly tied in a bow at the end.

I was also interested in the concept of adaptation, as that’s the next course I’ll be taking at Regent in a couple weeks.

Anna went through a further discussion of deconstructionism and meta-fiction, since Derrida kind of left people scratching their heads (again, I don’t think that even if someone has a brilliant idea, they can’t be that great if they can’t explain it in such a way they can be understood!). Anna equated deconstructionism with that life-force, cellular memory which will express itself and survive regardless of the decisions of people or environmental factors.

It sounds eternal and placed in us by God, so I’m sure I won’t be hearing that interpretation of that concept when I go back to ODU in the fall. Heck, I’m interested to see what our frequency exercises are going to yield in my ODU class “Writing for Sound” that I’ll be taking toward the end of the summer!

It really feels like the Lord has definitely guided my steps, but with all these profound works that are taking place deep within me (added to the deep healing I received last summer through that songwriting course), I am definitely feeling strange because I know to whom much is given, much is expected. Well I’ve been given SO much—will I rise to the challenge of the much that must be expected of me?

The classes I’ve taken within the past couple years certainly have taken me on a more intellectual journey than my earlier degree programs. Granted, much of the ideology of the world has shifted since I was in my master’s program (and definitely since my bachelor’s too).

I liked Anna’s little joke/not joke statement about “---And then the end came.” That will probably make it into the lexicon in our household because that’s something Harold and I would probably grasp onto. I’ve never chased after a PhD—it’s just sort of presented itself to me in recent years, so… as our 4th attempt of adoption fell through and the Lord has made it clear He’s got other things for us to do, I’m walking through this door that seemingly is leading to a PhD right now. Yet, I feel that doctoral level education is nothing to worship! I would hate it if I walked up the aisle to receive my doctorate, “and then the end came.” I know it means nothing…. And yet is the Lord giving this opportunity to me to give me access to places I wouldn’t have without it? Or is it a decoy to keep me from scriptwriting, which is where my heart is? Neither option really promises to catch me in the next phase of my career. I have no idea what He’s doing—all I know is it’s good.

Reading about Existentialism sounded so bleak and unsatisfying. As I said in class, it seems like a world view based on disappointment—as though someone had a belief that didn’t play itself out the way they expected, so they were disappointed and therefore concluded that belief is empty—and God doesn’t exist. All that exists is this moment and what’s around me right now… and I have no impact or control over it, nor can I really know anything. How depressing—and yet I can hear it in the voice of intellectuals on BBC 4. They daren’t excite themselves over anything, because there is no meaning to anything anyway. The best they can say is “Oh, that’s…… interesting.”

“Adaptation” echoed that sentiment as Nicolas Cage’s character said his script was all about disappointment.

I was sorry to hear that Kimberly’s dad had been taken ill. I hope they find out what’s been messing around with his personality the months since his surgery… and I pray that it’s nothing serious! But even if it is—especially if it is-- I hope they find it fast!

Anna said that deconstruction is a “truth-seeking principle.” I kind of perked up with that idea because of all the concepts on the planet that I like most, my buzz word is “Truth.” Yeah, it can hurt.. .Yeah, it can be ugly… but if it’s the Truth, then at least you’ve got a true starting point for change and improvement. Whatever you deny or sweep under the carpet cannot be dealt with and therefore continue to hurt or stagnate you. Truth is the best, so I’m all for something that’s trying to get truth to reveal itself!

She says it’s a “revelation voice” not a “solution voice.” That’s like most of the music I listen to, and where Harold and I differ in our taste of music. I like music that questions what’s going on and it doesn’t bother me if solutions aren’t proposed. Harold likes country music which doesn’t pose questions; it just celebrates what’s there—big things and little things and doesn’t really rock the boat. I hate country with a passion!

Anna wasn’t kidding when she said when you get married, that’s when you can really get culture shock. When Harold uttered those unbelievable words to me, “Oh, did the Beatles do that?” I thought I had landed on another planet entirely! In nearly 18 years of marriage, he’s had to learn a lot. And I know more about comics today than I ever had an interest to. Oh well—the give and take of married life. But I think I’ll always hate country music.

Speaking of passion—I like people who are passionate about what they’re passions are (just like in the Adaptation movie). I can relate a lot to that idea.

God sure isn’t showing too much of his hand with me at this stage of my life. I’m only seeing one card and he’s holding six. I can’t see around the corner—I only have what’s in front of me. I can’t even plan because I don’t know what it is I want anymore. I do know that I don’t want to get life “wrong,” and I know that I’m on the right track. I think it must show some kind of progress that He’s showing He’s still around from time to time, but basically kind of leaving me on my own to make my decisions, confident that I’ll make the right ones. All He’s told me is “when you’re off track, I’ll let you know.”

I’m definitely not off track in this class!